Ciao, Tutti!
There's an important holiday coming up that I religiously observe with love and passion, a holiday so central to the lives of men and women around the country that I feel obligated to discuss here. I'm talking about, of course, President's Day. As far as I know there aren't any other holidays approaching, right? Good. That would distract from the importance of President's Day.
If you're not convinced that President's Day is important enough to mandate days off school and some workplaces, think about this: What's more important, snow or the nation's presidents? What's more important, Labor Day to celebrate the workers of the world or President's Day to celebrate the 43 presidents that made work suck for them on all other 364 days? What's more important, "I have a dream" or the Gettysburg Address? Independence Day or the chief beneficiaries of the political system it created?
And if that hasn't convinced you yet, just think: we get a day off to revere presidents in the past, but we don't get a day off to elect presidents in the present.
Um... That didn't come out right.
Anyway, to demonstrate my devotion to President's Day, I will do what I do every year for President's Day. That used to be trekking to Washington D.C., failing to find D.C. Comics, then TPing the White House. But after being arrested one too many times (when I was 12), I decided to do something more festive. Ever since I've been celebrating this important holiday by mimicking as many follies of past presidents as I can manage. This includes, but is not limited to:
1) Sleeping with an intern
2) Robbing a hotel
3) Forcibly evicting scores of Native Americans
4) Spying on people
5) Bankrupting the world economy
6) Invading
7) Building a giant dam
8) Sleeping around while my wife is out (since I'm not married, this folly is difficult to mimic)
9) Extracting polio
10) Getting shot at a play
11) Giving birth to a moron and letting him take my job once I'm done, as well as letting my other idiot son have Florida. (That one's hard, too)
12) Giving money to terrorists
13) Giving speeches
14) Selecting a running mate
15) Kissing babies
16) Having my face carved into the face of a cliff in some North-Midwestern state no one's ever heard of
17) Dropping a bomb
18) Being a racist
19) Mistreating, among other Central American countries, Panama
20) Always thinking I'm right even though I probably broke the world
Needless to say, this President's Day is going to be epic. Epic, I say! My goal is to replicate five follies, but in 2003 I was able to complete 9, including ticking off Frenchmen, spending money I didn't have, and appointing neoconservatives to the Supreme Court. Don't ask me how that last one happened; it's a long story.
So have a wonderful President's Day, everyone. One last order of business: A lot of people, especially in my family, have been sending me pink cards with hearts drawn on them and mushy insets. While I'm glad that you're spreading the love of the season, I've been disturbed by the spelling of "President's Day." In fact, the spelling is almost unrecognizable. "President" is not spelled "Valentine," okay, folks? They're not even...
Oh, crap.
Suddenly it all makes sense.
-Sam goldsmith
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Story-The One Tale From College
Ciao Tutti!
How are you all todaaachoooo!
For those of you who don't know what's going on, that was a combination of "How are you doing today?" and "aaachoooo!"
Yes, folks, as I'm sure you've all been noticing around your social circle, people like me have been dropping like balls on New Years, succumbing to the seasonal viruses, freezing winters, and simple laziness that we all know and dread. And what better thing to do when you spend all day sick in bed then to write weird stories, then edit them the next day and think, "What in the world was I writing?"
After the story, stay tuned for my NBA all-star game rant. Only people who care are admitted.
Where to find the other stories
The other stories are in the archives somewhere along the left-hand side of my blog, intermingled with the pictures I took in Europe and shameless self-promotion.
"A Fascinating Line" is under the post entitled "Story-A Fascinating Line" in January, 2009.
"Cliche Central" is under the post entitled "Art Sharing Day" in October, 2008.
"Sam Fails to Finish a Love Story" is under the post entitled "Sam Fails to Finish a Love Story" (duh) in the month of November, 2008.
"The VideoMag Proposal" is under the post entitled "The Day Before November" in October, 2008. It's a long post and the story is near the bottom.
"Group Therapy" is under the post entitled "Short - Group Therapy" in December, 2008.
My four sudden fiction pieces are under "Winter Victory Dance - Sudden Fiction" in December, 2008.
My brother's sudden fiction, "On The Way To Work," is under the post entitled "On The Way To Work - My Brother, The Storyteller" in November.
The One Tale From College
This story has been removed due to possible publication. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Basketball Rant
Okay, there are some players who made the all-star game who should not have, and there are others who did not make it who simply got shafted. So, for everyone's benefit, I'll try to explain why.
East
1) Jameer Nelson does not deserve the spot more than Mo Williams. Duh. And if you're going to put Rashard Lewis on the team (I'll get to that), then why do the Magic get three players when the Cavs get only one? Lame.
2) Rashard Lewis instead of Antwan Jamison? You've got to be kidding me. Antwan is probably wondering how much better he has to play in order to get the recognition. The only thing Lewis has on him is a better team record. If I were the Magic I'd trade Lewis for Jamison in a heartbeat.
3) Allen Iverson, despite being on my Pistons, does not deserve a spot. Sorry, AI. Your impact on the Pistons has been negative, while Mo William's impact on the Cavs has been to make them an actual finals contender. That said, I still like the trade, but it's not been working out the way I'd hoped.
4) Well, I am here in New York, so I should give a plug for David Lee, another player who deserves the call more than Rashard Lewis. But in this case I think Lewis actually is better than Lee, who's just having a great year. Still, Lee's keeping the Knicks in contention (wow!) this year. No Lee = no Knicks, but no Lewis = a few more losses at most for the Magic.
5) Rodney Stuckey will make it soon, soon. If Rajon Rondo (ew...) doesn't woo all the judges first. Also watch out for Charlie Villanueva. He's tearing it up in Milwaukee.
West
1) Al Jefferson must be crying himself to sleep right now, throwing darts into a poster of Shaquile O'neal. Seriously, you have to play like the best big man ever to have a chance against Shaq's reputation. True, Shaq is having his best year in a long time, but it's not the kind of monster season Jefferson is having. Just because Minnesota's coach and players are young (and improving fast) they're having a difficult year in the competitive Western Conference. Are the 6 points and 2 rebounds Jefferson has on Shaq each game negated by the fact that he can't lead his young team to playoff contention? I'd be furious if I were him. How can a guy averaging 22.5 and 10.5 not make the all-star game? It's a game for STARS, for goodness sake!
Here's how much love Al Jefferson has been getting. He's had two games in a row where he scored 34 points, and in neither of the post-game recaps on sportscenter did he get a single hi-light. Why? He was playing the Lakers and the Celtics.
2) David West is a good player, and he was great last year. His numbers are better than Shaq's, so I'm cool with him being on the team, but here's another person Jefferson could have easily beaten out, if you're considering him a forward and not a center for some reason. The point: Jefferson should have made the team! There's a point for arguing Pau Gasol's inferiority to Jefferson as well, but I won't make it because I don't believe it's true.
3) No Deron Williams? No one from the Jazz at all? They've never had more than two of their four best players playing at the same time, and yet they're just a half game out in the West. The problem for him: You'd have to take out either Brandon Roy or Tony Parker to fill the position. Tony Parker, maybe. Maybe. Brandon Roy deserves to make it this year, even if Baron Davis should have beaten him to it last year. I had to boycott the all-star game last year for that reason. Plus being in Florence made it hard to watch the game.
4) Josh Howard does not deserve to make the team, which he didn't. But they wouldn't take him, even if he did, because of his scandal last summer.
5) In the future Andres Biedrins, Nene Hilario, and Al Jefferon will either be playing on the same all-star team or fighting for the available big man positions.
That's enough ranting. I think the West got it right more than the East, obviously, except for that one stupid oversight. Alright, time to go blow my nose a few hundred times. Cover your mouth when you cough, everyone!
-Sam goldsmith
How are you all todaaachoooo!
For those of you who don't know what's going on, that was a combination of "How are you doing today?" and "aaachoooo!"
Yes, folks, as I'm sure you've all been noticing around your social circle, people like me have been dropping like balls on New Years, succumbing to the seasonal viruses, freezing winters, and simple laziness that we all know and dread. And what better thing to do when you spend all day sick in bed then to write weird stories, then edit them the next day and think, "What in the world was I writing?"
After the story, stay tuned for my NBA all-star game rant. Only people who care are admitted.
Where to find the other stories
The other stories are in the archives somewhere along the left-hand side of my blog, intermingled with the pictures I took in Europe and shameless self-promotion.
"A Fascinating Line" is under the post entitled "Story-A Fascinating Line" in January, 2009.
"Cliche Central" is under the post entitled "Art Sharing Day" in October, 2008.
"Sam Fails to Finish a Love Story" is under the post entitled "Sam Fails to Finish a Love Story" (duh) in the month of November, 2008.
"The VideoMag Proposal" is under the post entitled "The Day Before November" in October, 2008. It's a long post and the story is near the bottom.
"Group Therapy" is under the post entitled "Short - Group Therapy" in December, 2008.
My four sudden fiction pieces are under "Winter Victory Dance - Sudden Fiction" in December, 2008.
My brother's sudden fiction, "On The Way To Work," is under the post entitled "On The Way To Work - My Brother, The Storyteller" in November.
The One Tale From College
This story has been removed due to possible publication. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Basketball Rant
Okay, there are some players who made the all-star game who should not have, and there are others who did not make it who simply got shafted. So, for everyone's benefit, I'll try to explain why.
East
1) Jameer Nelson does not deserve the spot more than Mo Williams. Duh. And if you're going to put Rashard Lewis on the team (I'll get to that), then why do the Magic get three players when the Cavs get only one? Lame.
2) Rashard Lewis instead of Antwan Jamison? You've got to be kidding me. Antwan is probably wondering how much better he has to play in order to get the recognition. The only thing Lewis has on him is a better team record. If I were the Magic I'd trade Lewis for Jamison in a heartbeat.
3) Allen Iverson, despite being on my Pistons, does not deserve a spot. Sorry, AI. Your impact on the Pistons has been negative, while Mo William's impact on the Cavs has been to make them an actual finals contender. That said, I still like the trade, but it's not been working out the way I'd hoped.
4) Well, I am here in New York, so I should give a plug for David Lee, another player who deserves the call more than Rashard Lewis. But in this case I think Lewis actually is better than Lee, who's just having a great year. Still, Lee's keeping the Knicks in contention (wow!) this year. No Lee = no Knicks, but no Lewis = a few more losses at most for the Magic.
5) Rodney Stuckey will make it soon, soon. If Rajon Rondo (ew...) doesn't woo all the judges first. Also watch out for Charlie Villanueva. He's tearing it up in Milwaukee.
West
1) Al Jefferson must be crying himself to sleep right now, throwing darts into a poster of Shaquile O'neal. Seriously, you have to play like the best big man ever to have a chance against Shaq's reputation. True, Shaq is having his best year in a long time, but it's not the kind of monster season Jefferson is having. Just because Minnesota's coach and players are young (and improving fast) they're having a difficult year in the competitive Western Conference. Are the 6 points and 2 rebounds Jefferson has on Shaq each game negated by the fact that he can't lead his young team to playoff contention? I'd be furious if I were him. How can a guy averaging 22.5 and 10.5 not make the all-star game? It's a game for STARS, for goodness sake!
Here's how much love Al Jefferson has been getting. He's had two games in a row where he scored 34 points, and in neither of the post-game recaps on sportscenter did he get a single hi-light. Why? He was playing the Lakers and the Celtics.
2) David West is a good player, and he was great last year. His numbers are better than Shaq's, so I'm cool with him being on the team, but here's another person Jefferson could have easily beaten out, if you're considering him a forward and not a center for some reason. The point: Jefferson should have made the team! There's a point for arguing Pau Gasol's inferiority to Jefferson as well, but I won't make it because I don't believe it's true.
3) No Deron Williams? No one from the Jazz at all? They've never had more than two of their four best players playing at the same time, and yet they're just a half game out in the West. The problem for him: You'd have to take out either Brandon Roy or Tony Parker to fill the position. Tony Parker, maybe. Maybe. Brandon Roy deserves to make it this year, even if Baron Davis should have beaten him to it last year. I had to boycott the all-star game last year for that reason. Plus being in Florence made it hard to watch the game.
4) Josh Howard does not deserve to make the team, which he didn't. But they wouldn't take him, even if he did, because of his scandal last summer.
5) In the future Andres Biedrins, Nene Hilario, and Al Jefferon will either be playing on the same all-star team or fighting for the available big man positions.
That's enough ranting. I think the West got it right more than the East, obviously, except for that one stupid oversight. Alright, time to go blow my nose a few hundred times. Cover your mouth when you cough, everyone!
-Sam goldsmith
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